I feel very fortunate and blessed with the life I live. I have wonderful (although sometimes obnoxious) children, I’m perusing a higher education to better not only myself, but my family as well. I have a roof over my head and food on my table, and I’m married to the most wonderful man, who is also my best friend. Many people often times go through a divorce (or two…or three…), before they realize what went wrong and vow to fix it next time. Thankfully, I am not one of those people. After ten years now, I finally feel like I know what I’m talking about when it comes to marriage. Lover and I have been, happily, working on ours every day.
I hate when people say “when you’re with the right person, marriage is easy and shouldn’t be a lot of work.” or “when you’re with the right person, you don’t fight because you’re on the same page.” BULLS**T! If you don’t have the occasional spat, lull, or disagreement then there’s something else going on there; maybe you’re not having to work at your marriage because you’re with the wrong person. When you’re with the right person, you’re going to feel challenged at times, not complacent all the time. Those challenges will help you grow together as a couple. If you are in a state of bliss all the time, then one of you is lying, either to the other person or to yourself. If there’s nothing to challenge your relationship, you’re not growing and becoming stronger. Any time you have two individuals, especially of the opposite sex, there’s going to be issues. You’re not failing at your marriage if you fight, you’re strengthening it by overcoming those fights.
My grandparents were together for forty-five years before God decided to take my grandmother home. I had never seen two people more in love than they were. After all that time, they still shamelessly flirted with each other and exuded love in everything they did. And every day, they had to make a conscientious effort to make things work. When I was getting married, I asked my grandmother what it took to have what her and my grandfather had; I will never forget her words (not a direct quote, but more or less the gist of what she said):
“First, you have to be willing to love the other person more than you love yourself. Marriage is a union of two people, not one, and is no place for selfishness. If you both do this, then both of your needs are met. If one of you are selfish and the other is not, then only one of your needs are being met, and that’s not fair. If both of you are selfish, then you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
Second, you take that person for who they are; you don’t ever try to change them. Obviously, you fell in love with that person for a reason; don’t try and change it, because you might not like who they become. Accept them for who they are, flaws and all, and love every one of them. Now, you don’t have to like it; frankly there’s a lot of stuff grandpa does that pisses me off to no end, but I still love them. They are what make him, him.
And lastly, a man wants a wife in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. Learn how to cook like a gourmet chef, be the best mother you can be to his children, and don’t ever say no when he’s feeling frisky. He’ll realize he’s got it good right where he’s at and never leave.”
I took it all to heart and have been happily married ever since.
Here is a list of some of the things I have learned throughout my marriage, and building upon the teachings of my Gandhi-ish grandmother, that have helped both of us grow and become better people together, rather than apart (after a divorce). I’m no expert and you can scoff at my list. You can choose to not heed my advice, and you can also choose to make your own manual, but this is what I have found to be true for me. I write this as a guideline, not a rule, to help others overcome the feeling that they’ve made a huge mistake in marrying his/her partner. I write this so those people who are desperately trying to salvage a marriage have something else, another perspective and tool, to try and fix things, so they can say they tried everything. **no particular order**
- Parental philosophies: Before you have children, not while the wife is pregnant, not after the baby comes, but before all that, you need to discuss your parenting philosophies. I would even dare say during the engagement period would be an opportune time. Not everyone will agree on how to raise children. It’s better to know if your opposing viewpoints will rip your marriage apart or if they are something that is agreed upon (for the most part) and can be worked through. While that may seem like a bold and far-fetched statement…”how can parental differences destroy a marriage?”…they can. One parent could always feel like the bad guy and constantly be the “authoritarian”. One parent can constantly feel undermined in the decisions he/she makes with the children. If you put your children before your spouse, that spouse may feel less important and loved; he/she may even get a little jealous if they don’t do the same thing (put kids first). All of these things can cause rifts and animosity between spouses; that is why you need to establish clear lines on the upbringing of future children. Try to figure it out before it’s too late.
- Get rid of expectations: The only person who can let you down, is yourself. If you have high expectations for someone, and that person doesn’t meet those expectations, then you feel like you’ve been let down. Instead—have no expectations of how things or a person should be. This way, you’re never let down. If things turn out great, then awesome; it was a pleasant surprise. If things go horribly wrong, you can chalk it up to experience, move on, and use it as a learning tool; no harm no foul.–For example, say you’re taking a class and you expect to get an A in it. Then, you realize the class is extremely difficult and you barely make the cut for a B; you’re disappointed. You know that you worked your butt off and did your best, but you’re still upset that you didn’t get that A you expected; you feel like you’re not good enough and start questioning your own intelligence. Instead, go into the class telling yourself: I’m going to do the best I can, and whatever grade I get, I will know I earned it based on my hard work and dedication to learning the material. After that difficult class, you see you received a B and think, wow, that’s pretty good all things considered; that class was tough! Now, you feel good about your grade and yourself; you didn’t have any expectations that would set you up for feeling like a failure or letting yourself down.–There’s no disappointments in going with the flow. There’s no let downs if you don’t put expectations on things. Let your spouse be his/herself. Don’t expect your spouse to be something he/she is not, or something you think he/she ought to be. Just let them be; you may realize is that they are wonderful just the way they are.
- Make time for each other: There’s going to be times where life is going to get in the way of intimacy; it’s natural. Children, careers, extracurricular
commitments, and obligations are just a part of life that we all have to deal with. Yes, it makes for exhausting days at times. Yes, it makes it difficult to dedicate time to one another. But, there are things you can do to help. Force yourself to stay up a little later at night to talk and be intimate, or sit next to each other if you’re both watching television and be sure to touch in some way. Don’t confuse the quantity of time you spend with your spouse with the quality of time you spend with them. Just because you are in the same room, watching the same show, doesn’t mean you’re spending quality time together. It’s just time, time that could be spent talking and communicating, time that you could be using to show your spouse that they’re still important to you and that you still can’t wait to be next to them. I would take ten minutes of quality time, time where my husband and I hold hands or talk, over an hour of time we just spend in the same room staring mindlessly at the TV or a video game. We make time for all of the things we think we have to do, but don’t really have to do. Instead of doing the dishes, reading a book, or playing a video game, use that time to be with the one you chose to spend the rest of your life with. God could call your husband/wife away in the blink of an eye, and trust me, you don’t want to look back and think that you could have done things differently and spent more time with him/her…because you will never get the chance to relive those regrets. - Leave problems between you two: We all need to vent, and it’s understandable, but leave other people out of it. If you and your spouse are having an issue, it needs to be taken up with your spouse. Don’t run and tell your best friend, they may not look at your spouse the same way and can even act differently around them. Don’t tell your parents; all they’re going to do is take your side, even if you’re wrong. You’re their baby and they will always have your back. And just like when you tell your friends about your problems, your parents may not look at your spouse the same either. Don’t tell your spouse’s parents your problems. That’s their baby, and just like your parents, they will always have his/her back. There’s nothing you could possibly say to them that would change the way they feel about their child. Also, they raised your spouse and you’re not telling them about flaws they aren’t already aware of. It can only cause rifts in the relationship you have with your in-laws. If you have to vent but feel like you can’t with your spouse at that moment, write in a diary or talk to a therapist. Just make sure that you take your issues to your spouse and sort them out. Don’t put people in the middle of your arguments, whether it’s meant to or not, those people are going to have to choose a side…you may not like the side they settle on. And, if you do happen to work things out after you’ve ran your mouth about your spouse, you look like an idiot and people are just going to take bets on when the next time you guys blow up will be.
- Make sure they’re being heard: You listened to what they said, but did you really hear what they said? We all fall victim to this issue, especially if you’re really upset about something. Whenever you’re in an argument with someone (and don’t lie), nine times out of ten, you’ve already got your rebuttal in your head about what you want to say; sometimes, you may not even let your spouse finish his/her sentence before you’re getting your argument out. **I’m dead right, ain’t I?**
I know, because I used to do it. You can’t truly hear what someone is saying when you’re focused on what you want to say. You miss out on the feelings your spouse is trying to convey because you’re too selfish to put aside your own thoughts for one minute to hear them out, not listen to them, but hear them. Listening only means that you heard words, but you either didn’t care to process their meaning or you don’t want to process them. Hearing means that you cleared your mind, listened to what your spouse had to say, processed his/her words, waited fifteen seconds to make sure that they are finished with their statement, then reacted to their statement…not the statement you wanted to make. Hear your partner out before you start an argument where there may not need to be one. - Communicate: I think this one is pretty much a duh rule. Communication is the key to a successful marriage. If you can’t talk to your spouse, then why even be with them. While it’s understandable that some people may have a hard time dictating their feelings (I’m one of them), it doesn’t mean that you don’t or shouldn’t have to…because you do have to. If you have an issue with your spouse, how are they supposed to know if you don’t tell him/her? Your spouse wants to hear about the things you are excited about; tell them! Talk to them about the things that worry you or scare you, they may even be able to help ease those worries and calm those fears. Talking gives the sense of a deeper connection, an emotionally fulfilling connection. You should be able to communicate openly with your spouse without fear of rejection, ridicule, or judgement. If at any time you don’t feel you can do that, then you need to reevaluate your relationship and fix the issue. Your spouse should be like your best friend (not necessarily your best friend, but like your best friend). You should be able to tell him/her anything. It doesn’t even have to be orally. Lover and I used to have a notebook that we would write to each other in, especially when we worked different shifts and weren’t able to spend much time together; it was still communicating and connecting.
- Have fun: Don’t always be so serious. There’s a time and place when things need to be taken seriously, but why not have fun during the other times. Laughter is the quickest way to boost your mood.
Have fun with your spouse, tell jokes…no matter how awful, dance like no one is watching while you’re in the car, jam out to some corny song, just have fun. Being serious all the time causes a great deal of stress, not only on yourself, but for your partner as well. No one likes to walk on egg shells. Stressful situations in life are a given; it’s how you handle them that’s going to matter. If there’s nothing you can change about the situation, just laugh, make it feel insignificant, talk to your spouse about it, and try not to let it get you down. Maybe they can even help you find the silver lining in the situation. It’s not about how you handle the good times; anyone can hang in there when the good times roll through. It’s how you deal with the bad times that are going to make or break you; not everyone can stay put and not run away when times get hard. - Innocent until proven guilty: Learn to trust what they say unless you find out otherwise. Snooping causes problems. Once trust is lost, it’s incredibly difficult to get back. If you can’t trust your spouse and take his/her word as the truth, so you go out and become an amateur sleuth, are you really sure you want to be married to that person? Unless you have a legitimate reason, reasons like you found panties or underwear in their car, or you just caught them red handed, there’s no reason for it. Accuse someone of something long enough, and eventually they will do it. Tell your spouse your concerns, maybe there’s a reason they have been acting differently. Maybe the strange number on his phone was a wrong number and you’re ready to chop his head off because a woman answered the phone. And after you’ve been with someone for a while, you can always tell when they’re lying, so talking face to face and expressing your concerns are the best way to handle the situation. Don’t let the accusations fly, however!! Just state that you are a little concerned with the way things appear and would like an explanation to put your mind at ease. Why stay with someone you don’t trust and have to spy on? It seems like a waste of energy…energy that could be put into trusting the right person.
- Be honest, even in the most meaningless situations: Little lies can add up. They can cause your spouse to question everything else you say. If you’re capable of lying to your spouse about even the smallest of things (like–you say you paid whatever for something and your spouse finds out it was more, or you say you didn’t go on a certain website and you really did), then they will feel as though you are capable of lying about something much larger. No one wants to feel like the idiot who is constantly lied to, but stays anyway…hoping that one day their spouse will be honest. It goes back to the “innocent until proven guilty point”, why stay with someone who you don’t trust is being honest with you? Why stay with someone who lies to you all the time?
- Affection goes a long way: Sadly, there will come a time when we get stuck in a rut, a lull, a routine. It will go from being hot and heavy, to–“when was the last time we even kissed…last month?”
We all get busy and forget to pay attention to our spouses from time to time. But, you need to make a conscience effort to show affection, even the smallest of gestures can go a long way. Kiss his/her neck while they’re cooking, hold their hand when you’re in the car, brush up against him/her when you’re passing in the hallway, or simply take them and plant a big kiss right on the lips, curling their toes. When the lack of intimacy starts, that’s when the problems start. You start to feel unloved, not wanted, or second best. These are also some of the feelings that lead people to cheat, both emotionally and physically. You don’t have to bend over the counter and take it right there for all the world to see, I’m not saying that; I’m just saying to show a little affection from time to time—every day if possible. It will let your partner know that you still want them and find them attractive. - Respect his/her decisions: No one says you have to love, or even like, the choices your spouse makes; you do have to respect them though. This is a lot easier if you talk to your spouse first and let them know your reasoning behind a decision. I don’t mean little things, like why you cut your hair short or decided to grow a beard, I’m talking about bigger things. Things such as a career change or wanting to join the Reserves. Knowing why someone is doing something is a lot easier to handle and accept then a big decision coming from out of the blue and knocking you on your a**.
- It’s real life…not a fairy tale: Don’t expect your spouse to constantly be a Prince Charming or Snow White—it’s not going to happen. And, just to point out, they never go into detail about what happens after “happily ever after”, you know why? Because no one wants to read about fights, and Cinderella peeing with the door open, or Prince Charming gagging his beautiful bride in the car with his gas.
Remember that suggestion of letting go of the expectations, it applies to this advice as well. Don’t expect everything to be peachy keen all day every day. Real love isn’t like that. Real life isn’t like that. There’s no such thing as storybook fairy tales. There’s only real life fairy tales. Real life fairy tales are the stories where you find your Prince Charming, the guy who isn’t perfect, but is perfect for you. You two stay happy and in love…most days. You understand that everything isn’t always going to be easy and wonderful, but you’re willing to stick through those times to savor the good ones. You have your own happy ending. And it’s not the ending where you run off into the sunset on a white horse and have birds and rats cleaning your kitchen, it’s the one where you wake up to each other each and every day and think that, right where you are, is perfect and where you were meant to be. That’s the real life fairy tale. - Include him/her in all activities and decisions: Before you make plans, before you buy something frivolous, before you change plans, talk to your spouse. Most times, either you’re going to do what you want to anyway or your spouse isn’t going to care; just give them the respect to at least make them feel like they are a part of your decision. That’s all they really want. Let him/her know that you care about their feelings enough to include them in your life. Money will definitely be an issue in this area. Money is a big cause of divorce. Make sure you are on the same page with each other when it comes to finances or it could be the downfall of your marriage. That doesn’t mean one person is a spender the other is a saver, or that one person controls and handles the checkbook. It should be a joint effort, this way each person knows and is aware of the budget and knows what they can afford, or not afford.
- Compromise!!!: Marriage has no room for selfishness. There are two of you now and two different views on situations. You’re not always going to get your way. Learning to compromise with one another is going to be the most challenging part of your marrage. Find a happy medium with the issues you’re dealing with. If you can’t find a meeting point at that moment, then shelve the issue and come back to it at a later date. This way you avoid arguments about it and you don’t end up saying something you can’t take back.
Marriage isn’t easy; it’s a lot of work. Just like anything that’s worth having and keeping, your spouse is going to need T.L.C.. Talk to each other, make time for each other, hear each other out, and be mindful and respectful of each other’s thoughts, decisions, feelings, and opinions. It’s okay to fight from time to time. It’s okay to feel like you don’t have all the answers. It’s okay that your life didn’t turn out like those stupid fairy tale books; it doesn’t need to be. Your life and your marriage is what you make of it. It’s just like a flower, if you tend to that flower, it’s going to grow and keeping coming back—getting bigger and bigger, every year. If you neglect that flower, it’s going to shrivel up and die, there’ll be no hope of salvaging that flower once the core is gone. Tend you your marriage, tend to your spouse, and be willing to put in the work it’s going to take to have your own real life fairy tale.
**Yes, I realize pronouns don’t match in this article quite often, but there were too many he/she areas and it started getting a little ridiculous. You know what I’m saying and what I mean. No need to criticize my grammar; especially when I know it’s wrong. It’s not like this article is being sent to some prestigious magazine and has to be perfect.**
Only my kids 